Butt Diamonds
What did you get for Christmas? Something good I hope! And if it wasn’t good I hope it was a least useful. I received a lovely pair of rose gold wireless headphones from my mum and my sister. I also received a second parcel from my sister containing Butt Diamonds.
Diamonds for my butt!
The packaging describes it as glitter but inside is an array of diamonds, presumably because I am worth diamonds and not cheap glitter. Thank you very much!
When I first unwrapped it, I didn’t get understand. The diamonds are arranged in a semi-circle shape, on top of the backing card. It’s not immediately obvious what the application is. But if you look closer, in the corner, there is a very helpful illustration of a tiny butt with the diamonds arranged over the cheeks.
I was puzzled by the present. But I know my sister has my best interests at heart. She knows I am single. I have to assume that she has come to the conclusion that the one thing holding me back from meeting the right guy is that men, in general, cannot find my butt. It’s not properly signposted, illuminated or decorated. In the wild, some animals have big red butts that potential mates find attractive. This is not that different. My ideal guy is wandering around in the dark unable to spot me. But with the assistance of said diamonds, our odds of finding each other are dramatically improved.
I guess I do want my butt to shine bright like a diamond.
Just by googling Butt glitter I have discovered putting sparkliness on your cheeks is an actual trend. Of course, no one seems to want to get to their glittery cheeks out in winter. This is definitely something for when you are somewhere hot and have easy access to alcohol, like a summer festival.
But all the sparkly butts I saw online seem to have very similar characteristics. They all seemed to belong to one demographic and were ladies in their late teens and early twenties, who were, at most, a UK jean size 10. All the butts were very symmetrical and had a helpful gap in the middle, presumably for ease of shitting. According to Gap UK jeans, I am a size 18 (more on that another time). My butt is over 30 and has definitely lived.
Thinking back to my sister’s intentions, I know she would always say that she wants to see me out there, cheeks out, living my best life and perhaps that is the point. Maybe she is trying to tell me I am still young enough to do stupid things like swap pants for glitter and who am I to argue!?!
As I plan ahead to the fateful day when I finally get my cheeks out, several questions remain; how do I get the glitter madness on? Do I sit on it? Do I turn to my trusty inner circle and get one of them to help me? What if they ruin it? I don’t want lopsided cheeks! I honestly can’t think of a truer test of friendship. Also what about going to the toilet? Is this hygienic? Should glue be that close to your arsehole!?!
To be continued…
