This has been an intense week for me. There is a lot going on at work. We’re approaching our financial year end, I’m in what feels like endless management meetings and my responsibilities are colliding all at once. My mind is caked in anxiety. I’ve spend a great deal of time worrying about the things that I haven’t done yet. At times this has manifested in hyperventilating and tears and the stress has followed me home. There it’s nestled in my body as a depressing weight on my chest, making it hard to breathe. I have been in a perpetual state of high alert.  This is not the first time I have felt this was for a prolonged period. Knowing that somehow makes it more crippling.

In the background to this, I have been spending time trying to figure out what my life’s work is. That sounds lofty I know but it describes the work you do to create a legacy that you find meaning in. And this soul searching has come at a time when I feel increasingly at odds with work.

 For some reason I can’t cope with the two things happening at once. It’s too much for my brain to worry about work and feel disconnected from doing the things I want to do. I’m surprised at myself. I’m surprised I am stressed. I am actively annoyed by it.  I thought my fuse was longer than this, that it would take more for my mental health to start to suffer.  As I have gotten older, my capacity for stress has seemingly gotten smaller. Is that the right way round? Shouldn’t I be getting tougher? More resilient? But I am really feeling the effects of this week and I have felt close to just sitting on the ground and not getting up again.  

But I also know better.  I know everyone’s capacity for stress is different. Comparisons are unhelpful. Comparing yourself to others stops you from doing things like asking for help, or just talking your feelings out with a friend. Forcing yourself to tough it out stops you for doing what you need to do to feel well again.

We’re all different and feeling stressed is a valid response to a multitude of things that can happen to you. What happens next can mean the difference between regaining your health or getting worse and I definitely would prefer the former. I’ve had a front row seat for how very prolonged stress can really impact the well-being of a person.  I have seen it happen to dear friends and to family, the results being anything from high blood pressure and a life without sleep to being unable to work or use public transport. I want and need to find a better way of coping and at the same time respect the fact that I am just a person doing the best I can. I know from previous experience, asking for help and talking about how I feel is not my strength but the price of not doing it could be huge.

I’m the kind of person who needs practise and I am going to practise telling people how I actually feel, saying no to negative input from other people and actively plan things to look forward to.  And also remember I haven’t broken anything. Yes, I am a little bit behind, but I haven’t broken anything.  If I can keep having honest conversations with myself then I can hold on to myself.

One foot in front of the other.

If you are struggling, please ask for help. Talk to your GP or get in touch with organisations like:

Mind - https://www.mind.org.uk/ or  Rethink Mental Illness  https://www.rethink.org/

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